Decisions Decisions Decisions...

Every part of our lives is shaped by our decisions. Everything from the small decisions that come from instant reactions, to the big ones we take time to formulate and execute. Lately I have been feeling caught in a mental dilemma. While I know how important every decision is to the Blockbuster called our lives sometimes I feel the movie would be more interesting if I didn't think about everything that I did. The movie would have more twists & turns, love, hate, anger, sadness...(wow when rereading this I just realized almost all of the emotions I just listed were negative..interesting.. amazing what you can learn about how you view things without even knowing it.. anyways!) Not thinking may have its advantages of having a more roller coaster plot line, but there are so many more extreme emotions along the way, the ups and downs are exhausting. I understand why people like to live this type of existence, having experienced one similar situation recently. Having a moment where you aren't sure how the scene will end gets the blood pumping and can give you the chance to see and feel more raw emotion in each of the characters.

The problem is, once you know and see how it works in action, it's hard to turn off. Now that I think about it, I don't think I would be able to turn it off. How am I certain how the movie will end if I don't write the screenplay? Of course the ideal equation is most likely a mix of the two extremes, making a more balanced life. Plan the big stuff and turn off your mind on the small.. the problem is I don't know what falls into what category, I feel every decision is big because every small decision sets bigger decisions into motion.. crap I'm right back where I started..

Creating yourself vs. remembering who you are

In a previous post I mentioned that I feel life isn't about finding yourself, its about creating yourself. I still believe this, I'm just ready to expand on it.

Not only is life about creating yourself, its about remembering who you are. In the process of becoming who you want to be or being who you are along the way it's easy to forget who you've always been (lol stay with me). For example, something that I just remembered about myself that somehow over the past couple years I had forgotten.. I love to entertain. Throwing parties may just be my favorite thing in the world. I love every aspect. the planning.. the anticipation of the event.. the actual event... seeing everyone have a good time.. It's a feeling that is unparalleled to anything else I have experienced.

I will never forget the day I threw my favorite party, the cinco de mayo party of 07, I was walking out front of the house to check something out and Danny Polivka was walking in. He had the absolute biggest grin I have ever seen on a guys face. He looked like a little kid at a birthday party that had just discovered the cake was made of ice cream. That smile is the reason I do the things I do. and somewhere along the way, I forgot how happy it makes me to make others happy. I am glad to say that I'm back on track, 2 years of a detour sucked but at least I didn't waste a life time.

Nacho

You can't ever fully understand the phrase "mans best friend" until you have a dog. It's amazing, a dog doesn't get mad at you if you don't call it when you say you're going to or get angry if you come home late.. no matter what they are thrilled to see you come home and sad to see you leave. There's just something in the way they make you feel, it's unlike anything else.

My whole life I have gone without this feeling and never really knew what I was missing. My parents got a dog only once I moved away to college, yes I got replaced by an animal.. when I'd come home from school I'd see Waffles, of course I like him but I never really got that whole feeling of him loving me more than anything in the world. I now know it's because I'm not his owner, mommy or whatever you'd like to call it. It was only once I got a dog of my own did I discover the bond that a dog and its owner have.

I've had Nacho for abut 7 months now, god has time flown by, he is a pain in the ass! There are times when I think I'm going to explode because he won't stop biting my finger or barking at any leaf that falls on the deck but there are the times when he's sleeping in my lap, or jumping at my feet when I come in the door. I know that he loves me more than anything in the world, he knows that I'm his mommy and will always be there to take care of him. I look at my little 4 lb dog in wonder, how can something so small have so much personality? I sincerely hope that together Nacho and I can change some minds on how people view small dogs. Little by little he makes an impression on people, it's funny to watch them go from "ew a chihuahua.." to trying to get him to come sit on their lap, or pet him.. you can't help but love him lol. It's hilarious, even my friends who have a pit bull love him now. Nacho and I have many years ahead of us, I have high hopes for our relationship.. hopefully he will learn not to bite or bark lol...

And so my blogging begins..

July 27, 2010 is as good as any other days to begin my journey of blogging... From what I understand the purpose of a blog is to express your thoughts or feelings on a topic for better or worse. Today I think I will be using it for a "free write".. on blogs.. life.. and myself.

Getting used to this whole process is going to be interesting for me. I usually start a journal last at most a week and then get distracted and forget about keeping it up to date. I'm hoping that I will be able to keep this up to date and actually have some documentation of my life in my early/ almost mid 20's. I guess that means I will be using this as a journal/ blog? maybe somewhere in between.. So for myself in the future I'm gonna give myself a quick run down of where I am currently in life and where I'd like to see myself going. That way I can keep myself in check haha

ok so, Currently I live in San Jose, I've been here for about a month. I have my baby Nacho, the love of my life who drives me crazy... not unlike the other men in my life (why do I love men so much?? because their funny and sexy and interesting...) which brings me to my relationship status, currently dating Kyle up in Santa Cruz who I met at my Cinco de Mayo Party this past year..

Right now I'm working at Sino in SR and working for my dad at IMOS, I find very little time to work on what I want to be working on... which are Workoutbuddy and CuddleBuddies, Maybe I need to find a new way to prioritize.. I honestly don't know how i always end up doing this to myself. When I worked at Pepsi I never "had enough time" and now I find myself in the same situation. I think its time to put the blame where it actually belongs, on myself. Its just hard to get off work and then make yourself work on something, even when it is for yourself. I have a certain amount of playing that I need to do or I get cranky. It all comes down to just how badly you want something. I feel like the people that get the farthest in life are the ones that are the hardest workers, not necessarily the smartest or the best just the most motivated. Maybe its just the age that I'm at, 23 might not be the best time for me to buckle down and make my own way in life. but at the same time there's no better time. I can't imagine how amazing it would be to be lets say 28 and have something substantial to stand on for myself. I'd love to not have to rely on anyone but myself like... Haha maybe it's the middle child in me that makes me so desperate for independence. Regardless of the reason it is a theme I find consistent in my life as what I view as "important" but yet when push comes to shove I can't buckle down and make myself do what I need to do to make that dream become a reality. This is why I don't think it's time for me to do it. I think when it's time I wont have to force myself to do it, I'll actually want to. If that's the case what do I do with my time now until I am ready?

If I'm going to spend the remainder of 23 and the beginning of 24 doing whatever I want to do what does that really consist of? First and foremost it means travel. I've always been the type of person that does the best with the buddy system, whether it be travel, working out, group projects, whatever. I think it's time for me to branch out and do something on my own. I heard this quote the other day, "life isn't about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself" Maybe 23 is about creating myself. I feel the only way to create yourself for yourself is to do it by yourself when you have no outside influence constricting your growth. Does this mean I will be doing my travel by myself? Possibly. That is if I man up and take the leap of faith. Time to bet on myself! So where do I go? Where do I want to go? Kinda liberating to not be worried about where someone else wants to go.. and at the same time leaves me kind of confused, like I said I've always utilized the Buddy System so I don't have a lot of experience choosing things for myself. Right now I'm leaning towards Australia. I feel like Europe I can do later in life with my hubby or serious bf. Right now it's gotta be about where would be fun to go by myself where I can meet people, open my mind further to the world, have a good time, and come back (if i feel like coming back) feeling like I have gotten a little bit closer to creating the person I want to be. September 1 is D day for purchasing my plane ticket. best case scenario I will be traveling this fall or at the latest this winter. Its crazy to think about, really exciting, but really nerve racking at the same time!

"Do something everyday that scares you"- time to start living.